Human, Again

I am sitting in my office, on the ground – we don’t sit on chairs around here.

I am sitting in my office. My freaking office, that took me months to get. It took me months to get my close circle here take my work and believes on children rights seriously. It took me six months to get where I am today.

I am sitting in this office and feeling down. Very. I’ve been talking to my friends in another city telling them that I am moving in to where they are. I don’t think I can live here any longer.

I am tired. I can’t cry with someone here. I can’t speak my mind at all, with someone here.

I was talking to another female blogger living in the liberated part of her city- what she’s facing is the same as I am here.

My bed in the Summers. We use this net to sleep well from Mosquitoes.

My bed in the Summers. We use this net to sleep well from Mosquitoes.

It’s war and it’s a man’s wold. We women, revolutionary women, are trying our best to exist in such world and it’s exhausting. It’s too much work and battles every now and then and I am tired.

I have lots of work to do and yet I was browsing crochet women wear last night, haha..I mean, I never did that before..well except out of curiosity. But last night I did it with lust.

I want to go shopping, I want to look at the mirror and wear nice stuff. I want to do my hair nicely. I want to wear makeup. I want to go to the movies, I want to spend one month doing nothing but watching anime.

I want to see my family.

My family, on the 6th. of October it would be a whole year since I’ve last seen my family.

I used to nag on my dad, and he used to ignore me. I used to joke with my mom a lot. Go shopping with her. She hates it when I tag along with her on her shopping festivals.

I used to make fun of her diets. She keeps saying she’ll quit smoking and I keep telling her I won’t.

I miss my family. I miss my dad. Who’d let me do whatever – my thoughts here froze upon hearing the sound of MiG flying above of us. The FSA fighters are trying to fire at it but in vain. (Send us real weapons, will you? I’m trying to write a post here without worrying about dying).

I was talking about dad. Now I’ve lost the moment. Damn you, Bashar!

Anyways, I guess I miss normal life. I mean, I am happy here all the time but I guess sometimes I reach the point where I want to explode.

People ask me: “where are you from?” I say I am from Damascus but I am not. My mom is from Homs, but my dad is the son of a Palestinian who lost his home before Syrian independence. Who couldn’t return home due to the foundation of Israel.

Where I am from? Palestine? Syria? Damascus? Homs?

I belong to this revolution that exceeds its national boundaries. I love all revolutions. I love the revolutionaries who understand the meaning of it, its morals, its aspirations and its vision.

I don’t mind living like this, under shelling, no electricity and water, no friends and family. It’s the patriarchal traditions that are preventing my creativity. I have lots of things I want to do and I need to fight harder to make them happen.

I mean it when I said that shelling doesn’t bother me. It scares the hell out of me but I won’t leave because of it.

I won’t leave because of ISIS. I won’t leave because of patriarchy.

But I might leave if I am no longer functioning. So far I think I am.

Not sure why I wrote this post anymore, this airplane made me lose track.

Went to the media center to find out what happened with the airplane: the airplane fired something like cluster bombs but I am waiting for the video or pictures to verify. Lots of people wounded, mostly children. One child lost his arm.

UPDATE Sat 10th. 10:39 AM: one man martyred last night from his injuries.

This morning one man brought the below thing for the media center to take pictures of it. I don’t know what it is, the airplane fired a rocket that’s filled with twenty of these, each one of these carry the bombs that wounded almost 50 people last night.

IMAG2452 IMAG2453 IMAG2450 IMAG2451 IMAG2449

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11 thoughts on “Human, Again

  1. colin says:

    No matter how bad it seems remeber two things.

    1. It could always be worst.
    2. There is always someone that’s in a worst situation.
    3. It will pass.

    I know that’s three but I am sure you’ll forgive. I cannot say I feel what you feel but I can say I understand and I sympathize.

  2. Roots2re says:

    We are reading your posts, listening, passing it forward. Thinking about how to talk to People here when they repeat phrases heard from the Western Media: “Civil War in Syria” or “Al Kaeda is part of the Uprising” I am sure it is not enough but we are listening and we support you. Denise/Roots

  3. lissnup says:

    We cry with you, dear Razan, and we reach across the miles to hug you and brush your pretty hair from your face. Remember, you are never alone or forgotten.

  4. rien4djri says:

    Hello Razan. I put in a request to Avaaz for action as soon as I heard you were apprehended at the border. Avaaz picked up on the request. You received thousands of signatures because of the person you are and for what you had done. There are thousands of us who took action for you and because of you. And there are those of us who continue to take some sort of action for a free Syria. There are many sites such as the ones that I’m involved in that work to pass on information. Although it is difficult to tell from the actions/inactions of the international governments – you are not alone.

  5. Jess_gr-au (@Nichtarida) says:

    Hello Razan! Have been following you from the outset, with admiration for your incredible courage. Keep strong in your beliefs and you will overcome…I pray you will soon be reunited with your loved ones. Be assured you are in our thoughts and prayers and not forgotten.

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