Why oh why, I don’t care about you, Syria.
I don’t. I sincerely don’t. About its men, women, gay or straight people. its submissive or its courageous people. Its prisoners of conscience or its enemies or its leaders. I don’t understand what is it exactly I feel about you. I mean I don’t really hate you, obviously I don’t like you, but why do I follow your news so much? why do I feel excited when my reader mentions your name? like hey, I know this place better than I know any other place on this planet. Like I have the feeling, that because I know a lot about you, I have this illusion that I care about you, or even that we are related. But see, we’re not related. See here at this very point that I just wrote, I wrote so many sentences then I deleted them. Not because I want my sentences to consist with each other and actually make sense to the readers, but rather, I don’t think I am writing what I truly feel. I really don’t know how I feel about this space called Syria.
I mean I am not talking about Syria as a state or as a geographical space, I am talking about people I know from this space, from Damascus, Homs, Aleppo, Layakiya, Rakka, Sueida, Hama, Salamiya and I don’t know what. Are these Syrian people? or they’re sharing somewhat collective images of the same type of communal and state corruption in schools universities, work and societies which they do belong to and hate so much?
I mean fuck, the other day there was a bloggers meeting, we were from different Syrian cities and we fucking share the same feelings, depression, observations, it’s all over Syria, this feeling of being a Syrian is so overwhelming that you can’t really escape not even if you left this shit hole for years.
Don’t get me wrong now, we’re different, we’re not the same, our opinions differ, our readings and interpretations to these realities differ, but do you understand, that we do understand each other perfectly?
I mean, we do. You tell me a story and I nod my head, I understand. I know.
We are so different in opinions, but we fucking have a lot in common, a lot, and I think that’s something, if not everything.
I met amazing inspiring people two days ago, I met my favorite Syrian writer today, Yassin Haj Saleh, I met a nice smart guy today, I related a lot to what they’re saying, but I think I have a serious problem.
I don’t care. I said that out loud today, that I don’t care, someone told me that Razan maybe because you’re Palestinian, I felt so foreign to this word. Palestinian. I mean, my life would be so much easier if I were, but what does that even mean? to be a Palestinian or Syrian? I mean, I think being an Arab makes so much sense than being a Syrian, and being a Palestinian is like a political statement to me than anything else, since really, it’s a phenomenal thing to be a Palestinian, like you’re a Palestinian-in-the-world but not in Palestine.
I don’t care. I gave up long time ago. I can’t care any more. But I don’t want to leave here and live somewhere else. It’s like I want to be stuck in here, I don’t want to move on. Perhaps there is no moving on. Perhaps it’s a dream that will never become true, you moving on.
Oh I would love to dump you, Syria. I don’t want to dump Palestine, but with you, it’s not about wanting or not wanting, I think I can’t.
Even if I did someday, hit the ball.
And it’s not a coincidence, to write this post in English, in Syria, by someone who thinks that her English is not good.
Exiled Razan رزان في المنفى 
I`m Syrian. And i Proud.
I dont know what to say, seriously I don’t ! but let me just borrow one of your sentences: ” You tell me a story and I nod my head, I understand. I know.”
I am nodding my head now saying, I UNDERSTAND !!
Raz,
Good to see you write again. Always a pleasure to read your work.
Cheers,
A
Sis …
first i don,t know why you wrote in english …whom you are trying to reach …syrian people from Damas, Rakka, Hama, Homs, And My Sweet city Tartous
and way u won,t reach them
so now i can say about being Palestainian in syria Thet the Feelings Of belong to place not other or with other is not papers i got not I.D it,s just a feeling
So You are syrian try to solve this now !!!
much Love and Respect
of course u don’t care
who says u ever cared
u never cared honey. what u’ve been running after was using these things u mentioned above to make a story of yourself, so ppl would point and say,, oh look this is the girl who calls for freedom, oh this is the girl who defends gays and prisoners rights.
oh look this is the girl who was on tv the other day. but u actually sucks in all means.
now u have it the right way,.
doesn’t feel good to say the truth and feel it!?
it does
have a nice life
opps it is waiting moderation
it’ s ok at least you can read it
peacee
@ofcourse,
w ente lesh maz3ooj? lesh mitjaker? !!
do i really look maz3ooj?
actually i was quite quiet while writing that comment,
مابئي غير انزعج على هالشخصية
Oh look this is the girl who met yassin haj hassan today!!
The same feeling of dispair often befalls any deeply thinking and feeling person with regard to belonging to any place, to the whole human race, even to this world, this universe… It represents a yearning to rise and soar above and beyond the mere human condition with its feebelness and limitations. In Syria, and this whole region, where one is nearer to the bottom pit of humanity, where one is much more often confronted with the ugliness and profanity of humanity than with its beauty and glory, the feeling of dispair is both more acute and chronic!
Keep writing Razan…it’s not only fools and knaves (such as some of the commentors above) that read you.
Anyway, weren’t you supposed to leave Syria tonight and go to Kafr Souseh to get drunk with me so we can figure all this out?! ;)
great text, from the heart.
i am a patriot of the white flag of the lifeguard in the beach. white flag means it’s very good to swim.
xxx
I can relate to you razan, i am not even syrian nor arab, but one thing for sure me and alot of us wanted freedom. in the case of my country we want freedom from the US colonialism…for gays and lesbians they wanted freedom from the judgemental views of the world, a freedom to speak what they want the world to hear. Keep writing for we may differ from what we are fighting for, the bottomline is we fought for what we want for…Write for it’s your RIGHT!!!
I remember i read a quote saying, a patriot is a person who thinks her/his country is better than all other places only because she/he was born and lived in it; it was a very rational statement. but then Nietzsche says “One must have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star”. I guess chaos and foolishness is what our logic and rationality needs to keep us both smart and going. foolishness and chaos are the salt of our minds and what saves us from extreme rationality; nihilism – something i smell in your post. i wouldn’t worry about not finding reason and logic in what we do sometimes, living is what matters.
maybe I am wrong.. But that’s how I’ve been keeping up from those moments of emptiness and madness.
a friend of mine and me – a writer – also met a smart nice gal the other day :)
Razan, I think I understand the feeling, but I don’t consider myself qualified. One thing, though: Whether this turns out to be a passing low moment or it becomes a future outlook, the important thing is that you keep writing.
@Of course: My only comment is “Of course not!”
self-indulgent,
That’s the Norm
you are OK
Dump it, throw it away, live something else, and what remains after years in memory is what you love about it… it astonished me…
a country is a culture, Syria is a lost, chaotic, and hypocrite one, although reach, colorful and energetic.
Syria is the place were you loose your identity in a salad of aggression, and fight over power…and that’s not only in politics, it’s in art, business…etc.
My friend used to say “Damascus is a prostitute that preaches conservatism, a silly superficial that pretends deepness”. and that explained a lot of what I felt.
I forgot to mention what remained for me after years of divorce, but that’s me, and each tastes beauty in a different way.
Ur old buddy,
Jazz.
you’re amazing.
I always thought that nationalism is stupid anyway.. But for me, I care about my family and friends and that also goes for other places that I’m also attached to.
I´m amazed by your writing, Razan. By the strange combination of passion and frustration, by the cocktail of emotions that don´t need to make sense, by your crisis…
You know, I´ve never seen Syria this way, like through your eyes. I have Syrian background myself, but grew up in Spain and I see now that I´ve been thinking I had a pretty complex perspective of this country, my country, because of my family ties and the people and places I´ve met during the time I´ve spent there. But you´re opening up unexpected things to me. I´ll be following you, keep it up!
Leila
Just don’t go there or don’t talk about it anymore. If you don’t want Syria, I bet Syria doesn’t want you. You are a typical ungrateful immigrant who lived and was hosted in Syria, and still doesn’t appreciate the hospitality our generous country gave you. I knew many Armenians and Palestinians who were born in Syria, went to schools in Syria, worked and lived like Syrian citizen, and still hated the place and its people. Simple solution, leave us alone, and forget you ever lived there.
My goodness, why would you confuse poetry with ungratefulness? Let the girl free her spirit, it´s therapy and shouldn´t be taken literally. Syria is a beautiful country with amazing things to enjoy and amazing people too, but can´t one have an identity crisis? You´ve really never struggled with yourself, with the concept of territory and citizenship and patriotism and belonging? Let´s try and look deeper than the surface.